When was the last time you looked into the eyes of a friend, and asked “How are you doing?”

Not our typical “How are you doing” but rather one born out of true friendship, filled with emotion, a care and deep longing to know what your sister is currently walking through in her life.

Those words can evoke tears when asked by the dearest of friends. We all long to be “truly known”.

We live in such a technology-centered age that you feel you can “know” everyone, but really be “known” by few, if any. We can have so many friends on Facebook, and yet still be filled with loneliness in the deepest parts of our soul, lacking true friendship.

This is Not a New Problem….

Why do there seem to be so many barriers to this deep knowing of others? It is easy to write it off with excuses of not having the time, or being too busy. I wonder, is that really true? Or am I just choosing a lesser good?

These questions bring to mind the story of Mary and Martha in Luke 10:38-42 (ESV) “Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet and listened to his teaching. But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me. But the Lord answered her, Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.”

This is a truth I feel the Lord teaches and reteaches me again and again. The importance is not in the doing, but the “being”. The doing has its place, don’t let me steer you wrong. There are many instances in life, where we need to do.

In fact we are commanded “whatever we do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters” (Colossians 3:23)

“Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not people”. (Ephesians 6:7 ESV)

Looking at these three texts, they can almost seem to contradict each other. Let’s look at the truths in which I believe Jesus was trying to direct Martha’s heart. His point was perspective, seeing the better choice. Martha was doing a good thing in serving Jesus and other guests in her house, but at the expense of missing the best that Jesus had to offer her. She had the opportunity to sit at His feet and learn, but she chose to be busy.

Modern Day Implications

It can be easy to jump on the “Come On Martha, don’t you get it?” bandwagon.

Let’s take a step back and make this a little more relevant.

How often do I ask a friend, “How are you doing?” but not offer the time or attention to really hear her?

Perhaps that is not a question for the quick passing on Sunday morning or car line at school? A true prompting of the Holy Spirit, laid on your heart and mind, might be better served by a phone call or a lunch date to really hear about each other’s lives.

Many times I find myself telling my children to “hold on”, wanting to finish up the last load of laundry, unload the dishwasher or whatever else may be occupying my attention.

I intentionally choose NOT to stop.

I am not trying to get legalistic in this. I imagine there is value in teaching our children to wait, teaching some form of delayed gratification. It would be hard for me to sit down and recall the times I did stop the “doing”. I have selfishly placed myself before them, justifying this task needs the attention right at hand.

Maybe the question I should pose to myself would be “What is more valuable right now?” coupled with, “Could this task possibly wait 5 minutes?” Choosing them, hearing them, I guarantee that choosing them and hearing them would fill them up. A week later, I probably would not remember when I got that dishwasher unloaded, but it’s likely my children would remember the choice of giving them time.

How often do I choose the lesser?

Hear me, I am not trying to offload guilt on you.

I am speaking these words to my heart and hoping they may offer you some insight as well.

Inside and outside the body of Christ, believers and unbelievers alike, we are all hurting, all struggling. It is essential we make time to invest in each other’s lives. To hear the joys and pains and to share in them.

Not Only the Relationship, But the World is Watching

Our relationships with each other, especially as believers, are radical displays of the Gospel to the watching world.

In our relationships, the world is going to see us love when love might not be given back in return. The world is going to bear witness to loving others more than ourselves, as we take our time to pour into and invest with genuine care in the lives of our friends.

The end result may just be the asking of “why?”

Why are you doing this?

You have a family and kids of your own. Why are you spending time investing in another’s life when you have quite a full, if not overflowing plate of your own?

And in that question is the opportunity for us to share the “why”…the beauty of the gospel….the transformative power of Jesus.

“Just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many”(Matthew 20:28) we, too, are called to do so.

We “love, because He first loved us.”(1 John 4:19)

But I Have No Words…

Sometimes I shy away from asking “real” questions not because I do not care, but rather I am fearful I will have no words to offer my friends in their deep hurting or struggles.

This awkwardness keeps me away from the intimacy the Lord encourages in our friendships. I feel the Lord gently remind me that I do not always need to have words.

In fact, my silence and listening ear may just be exactly what they need most. I love what Proverbs has to say on this.

“Do you see a man who is hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him.” (Proverbs 29:20 ESV)

“When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent.” (Proverbs 10:19 ESV)

I want to encourage you, if you know a friend who is hurting or needing someone to confide in, please do not let the lie of “not knowing what to say” silence you. We are clearly commanded to live in community, and part of that means sharing deeply with one another.

I reflect on the times that I have been the one on the other end of these conversations. I did not necessarily want my friends to have “solutions” for me, but their listening ear was such a gift! I was so touched that they took the time to ask.

Go and be that gift this week!

Ask the Lord if He would open your eyes and prompt your heart through His Spirit, to those who may need to be asked this question.

Go with confidence that His Spirit will give you the words to say, or possibly press you to be silent. Continue that internal dialogue with Him as you seek the words or silence to offer your friend as they share their heart.

Please do not allow fear to direct you to miss out on the gift as you minister to them, the watching world, and your own heart! Blessings!

friendship: when was the last time?